HENRY MAZEL

MEMORIES OF FIDEL

2012-02-07T06:36:00.002-05:00

Fidel Castro has just released his 1,000 page autobiography. I knew Fidel. You'll find the beginning of our interaction and friendship below:

It was in the early ‘50s that I first met Fidel, and looking back on it now, I must admit, honestly, that I did play a role, quite innocuously really, in the revolutionary events that swept Cuba just a few, short years later. In those days I was working for the old New York Herald Tribune as the weekend restaurant critic. Fidel had come to my attention, not as politician or chef, but as a budding intellectual who had established himself as an enfant terrible among New York’s literati. . . .read the rest of my story within these pages: Little Leaves That Never Appeared in The New Yorker.

A NEW BOOK - LITTLE LEAVES THAT NEVER APPEARED IN THE NEW YORKER

2012-01-22T17:17:00.004-05:00

LITTLE LEAVES THAT NEVER APPEARED IN THE NEW YORKER has now been published for the Kindle. A collection of humor and satire pieces, many new, the book is priced at Amazon's ubiquitous e-book price of 99¢.

FEB 1ST AND 2ND ONLY, THERE IS NO COST FOR LITTLE LEAVES THAT NEVER APPEARED IN THE NEW YORKER

THE CHOOSER - Two Days Only

2012-01-13T14:06:00.002-05:00

Starting Sunday, January 15th, THE CHOOSER will be available at no cost for two days only. The promotion ends Monday, January 16th.

"A delightfully quirky novelette with a Jewish flavor set in the 1950s. The Chooser is a story of a journeyman magician seeking a new trick to boost his sagging career. An old illusionist and his young protégé offer some magical assistance."

Click on the link above or go to the cover art on the right side of the page and click there.

On Negative Campaigns

2011-12-28T20:11:00.002-05:00

They work in practice; it's the theory that's suspect.

The Good Old Days

2011-11-01T06:48:00.003-04:00

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." Evertt Dirksen

An Excerpt From The Plot Against Marlene Dietrich (get the complete story for free)

2011-09-02T17:00:00.003-04:00

“Don’t hang around with entertainers, huh? Just Coloreds with their dingis hangin’ out, right? I seen you around those Bojangles types. I could hold you as a material witness.”

“Oh, c’mon. You’re not going to do anything, how's that goin’ to look, me beating you out here and all. And I took the train.”

“La Guardia and the commissioner ain’t gonna like this, not at all. Hope this isn’t a murder, Rada.”

“Murder? Who said anything about murder?” Rada took a last drag on his smoke and ground it out on the concrete. The swirls of surf pulsating in his ears came into consciousness. It gushed.

He stared off at the sea, wondered about how she died, and about the Negro up the beach. Then there was a quick glance at Detective Impolitari. Rada shrugged. “ . . . .You could always pin it on the Colored boy, I suppose.” . . .

Get The Plot Against Marlene Dietrich for FREE by paying with a tweet

THE DOWN AND DIRTY WAY TO CONQUER WRITERS BLOCK

2011-07-14T09:38:00.008-04:00

I’m not a prolific writer. In fact, I’m rather slow. It’s a bit difficult to dash off five or seven thousand words a day when you write historical fiction. Worse, sometimes I encounter writers block – but I know how to conquer that.

“People don’t want to write, they only want to have written,” Dorothy Parker famously remarked. Most of us writers, at one time or another, have subscribed to that sentiment, particularly in those dry periods when we find it almost impossible to come up with anything solid to write about.

What goes on in these fallow periods? Why doesn’t the creativity we know is there flow like the headwaters of the Amazon?

Over the years writers have asked me this question in my psychotherapy practice, and I’ve certainly thought about it in my own fiction writing.

Somerset Maugham had a unique approach to writers block that I’ve incorporated in my own work, and my work with clients. Writing at the turn of the 20th century, Maugham faced a blank page on his typewriter and pecked away his name: ‘I am Somerset Maugham, I am Somerset Maugham, I am Somerset Maugham . . .’ – until something came to him. His extraordinary Freudian-laced short story ‘Rain’ came to him in just such a way.

Okay, okay, I’m getting to it. What was Maugham really doing? Well, the trick was just sitting down at the typewriter. So when clients ask me how they can overcome their own writers block, I say 'sit down at the computer and write just two sentences. Just two.' It turns out it’s like that potato chip advert, ‘bet you can’t eat just one.’ In this case two.

Really it’s a matter of overcoming inertia. If you do sit down at the computer, once you start writing, it’s a bit difficult to actually stop at just two sentences. The trick to fooling the unconscious is to sit at the computer and begin, any beginning really.

It’s a rather simple ploy, but it works! I wrote a complete first draft of The Plot Against Marlene Dietrich by using this method. Two sentences became twenty, and then two hundred and then – hey, almost a complete draft.You might want to give it a try.

Take heart, it could be worse. James Baldwin called the place he wrote in Paris (in Paris, yet!) the torture chamber – but that’s another story.

THE PLOT AGAINST MARLENE DIETRICH - NOW ON KINDLE

2011-07-14T09:23:00.014-04:00

Just click on the title above to go to the Amazon page for The Plot Against Marlene Dietrich (now 99¢ through July). Hope you enjoy it. Also, check out The Principal of Rivington Street also on Amazon and other e-readers.

YOU CAN CLICK HERE FOR -- THE PRINCIPAL OF RIVINGTON STREET ON AMAZON

MARLENE DIETRICH'S SECRET LIFE

2011-07-01T12:52:00.016-04:00

In the time of good and evil, Marlene Dietrich was a heroine. When she finally left Germany for Hollywood in 1931, she not only turned her back on the Nazis, but actively began to fight them.

The glamorous, androgynous Dietrich of The Blue Angel took Hollywood by storm and became the seductress of tinsel town, even besting the great Garbo. Her scandalous nightclub scene in Morroco – where she kissed a woman patron on the mouth – left co-star Gary Cooper clapping, and Hollywood aghast. It made her a celebrity and superstar; in today’s terms Lada Gaga and Madonna all rolled into one.

Behind the veneer of glitz and glamour, Dietrich was fiercely political, and a patriot – an American patriot. From the mid 1930s, Dietrich worked tirelessly to save German actors and artists, particularly Jewish artists, from the Nazi death camps that awaited them.

Dietrich had strong political convictions and she spoke her mind; she flaunted those convictions. On more than one occasion, Dietrich was approached by Nazi representatives in an effort to get her to return to Germany; she turned them down flat, and even tweaked their nose by becoming an American citizen in 1939.

From research for my fictional story, The Plot Against Marlene Dietrich, I was struck by how dedicated she was in saving as many as she could. At first she was able to send money to German banks to help refugees get to Switzerland and then on to the Untied States. Later when this was no longer possible, Dietrich took risks beyond the call of duty. There were to be many émigrés who landed in Hollywood because of her efforts, and her work was ongoing, dangerous and expensive. Some of the refugees, like director Billy Wilder, even took up temporary residence in the Dietrich home in California.

Why is Dietrich’s wartime activity so important? Well, because those of the greatest generation included women and men on the home front, too. And Marlene Dietrich risked it all to help America win the war. Her mother and some family members were still in Germany, and she was put on Hitler’s list of enemies. The Nazis constantly bombarded the airwaves with attacks on her. All though the extent is still unclear, she most likely worked with the OSS (the precursor to the CIA) during the war and entertained our troops close to the battle lines, knowing if she were caught execution was likely.

One memory that stays with me was a time in 1964, stationed in Germany, when the film Judgment at Nurenberg was released. Her role as Mrs. Berholt, a Nazi sympathizer, was difficult for her, and director Stanley Kramer had to convince her to play the part. I was amazed at the time that many of her fellow Germans viewed her as a traitor – as though the horrors of Hitler and his henchmen had easily been forgotten.

Years later, German attitudes toward Marlene changed. In 1997, the central Marlene-Dietrich-Platz was unveiled in Berlin to honor her. The commemoration reads “Marlene Dietrich world star of film and song. Dedication to freedom and democracy, to Berlin and Germany.”

She ought to be remembered by us all, with gratitude.

CLICK HERE FOR -- THE PLOT AGAINST MARLENE DIETRICH ON AMAZON

The Plot Against Marlene Dietrich -- now on Kindle for just 99¢

2011-07-01T12:40:00.007-04:00

Just click on the title above to go to the Amazon page for The Plot Against Marlene Dietrich. Hope you enjoy it

. Also, check out The Principal of Rivington Street also on Amazon. Tweet

MORNING ROUNDTABLE - GOOD DAY

2011-06-28T12:40:00.003-04:00

Dirksen redux: A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to less than one percent of the deficit.

COLLATERAL BENEFITS?

2011-02-24T12:18:00.003-05:00

Interesting to ponder: Could the historical sweep of freedom in the Arab world and Middle East reach northwest Pakistan? So far these people's revolutions are completely antithetical to Al Queda's uber-violent philosophy. Could it be that some of the Brothers will see the light? Okay, it's a bit of a stretch, but I wonder if one of these guys would give him up, and I might as well throw in al-Zawahiri and Mullah Omar -- as long as I'm fantasizing. Just a thought.

, , , and so it goes.

CHANNELING DWIGHT

2011-02-24T05:46:00.008-05:00

Why is president Obama so silent on public employee unions? Who is he, Eisenhower?

THE LIONS TREMBLE IN THEIR DENS AT ITS APPROACH

2011-02-17T05:02:00.004-05:00

While the Egyptian revolution was mostly peaceful, Bahrain is quite different. The leaders appear to have adopted the Tiananmen model. China brought troops in from the countryside who had very little in common with the student protesters in the capital making the massacre that much easier for some of the old hard-liners in the politburo.

In Bahrain with its Shia majority pitted against the Sunni dominated elites, the same violent approach will work -- for a time. It's unclear what democracy means to the people that revolt in the streets of the Arab world, but it is a movement that may be delayed, not denied. The hope is the people in the streets will take a cue from the Egyptian populace and find ways other than a blinding, frustrating violence to achieve their ends. Egypt, thus far, has shown it's eminently doable.

The question, too, is where does the United States stand? With the 5th fleet birthed in Bahrain, the security interest rears its head in ways it did not in Egypt. Again we must choose wisely and promptly; true revolutions can be slowed, not stopped.

MORNING ROUNDTABLE - GOOD DAY

2011-02-13T07:39:00.002-05:00

Dirksen redux: A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to less than one percent of the deficit.

. . . and so it goes.

GENERAL CONFUSION

2011-02-12T06:02:00.005-05:00

The army is now in charge in Egypt. The same military that has a vested interest in the status quo. After all, their businesses, military owned businesses, comprise about 10% of the Egyptian economy. Never mind that they don't want to give that up. There's another reason that democracy may give them pause.

Little noticed here, but the same day the Egyptian people freed themselves from Mubarack's military dictatorship, the Turkish prosecutor asked a court to jail 180 current and former military officers on charges they plotted a coup against the democratic Islamist government. The trial is a victory for the government in tackling a military that once held sway over Turkish political life.

The fate of the Turkish military isn't lost on the Egyptian command, and they may not want to go gently into this free night as have their Turkish confreres. Democracy is tough slogging .

VIVA La REVOLUĊION!

2011-02-11T11:19:00.004-05:00

They may have a republic, if they can keep it.

. . . On to Tehran.

REVOLUTIONIZING THE ARAB WORLD

2011-02-11T07:09:00.013-05:00

We are so transfixed by the protestors in Egypt essentially because (at least so far) they are a nonviolent movement. Those young students take their philosophical underpinnings from the likes of Martin Luther King, Gandhi, and the velvet revolutions of Europe.

This is a philosophical focus we must encourage; it is a movement we must forcefully endorse. If we don't, this anti Queda, non Islamist movement will devolve into something nasty and it will further diminish our influence in the region.

If the protestors in Cairo can prevail, that will go a long way toward validating democratic ideals. And those ideals may spread beyond the Arab world all the way to Tehran. Our choice is between the ossified and the ascendant. We ought to choose wisely and promptly.

OOPS!

2011-02-10T15:50:00.001-05:00

At least Nixon had the sense to go.

SO LONG HOSNI (click here for el Ahram)

2011-02-10T10:48:00.010-05:00

The Egyptian army will take control of the country and Hosni Mubarack will step down today in favor of Omar Suleiman, or more likely the Supreme Council of the Armed Forces. And now we wait . . .

A TILTING WE SHOULD GO

2011-02-09T11:57:00.007-05:00

In the 1971 South Asian crisis, Henry Kissinger famously 'tilted' toward Pakistan. The tilt was not an all out endosement, and Nixon's antipathy toward Indira Gandhi played a part, but the tilt wasn't a bad idea.

Today we have to play a similar card in Egypt. The cliches aside, i.e. 'getting ahead of the curve,' we need a policy that makes sense. Tilting toward the protestors in Tahrir Square is a must if we don't want the antipathy of the street. We need to be seen as supporting them. At the same time, support - tepid though it should be- for an ally of some thirty years will comfort our other allies in the region.

Yes, there are risks, Mubarack and his cronies literally know where the bodies are buried -- but we must to be seen as supporting those democracy hungry protesters in the cities of Egypt. And signaling that tilt is the way we need to go.

STIRRINGS FROM THE IRANIAN OPPOSITION

2011-02-08T08:10:00.006-05:00

Finally the corpus resurrected? It will be interesting to see how the Iranian thugocracy reacts to the call for demonstrations by a weak opposition. (click the headline to go to the Times article)

WHAT IS UNITED STATES POLICY TOWARD EGYPT?

2011-02-06T12:41:00.004-05:00

What day is it?

A PLAN FOR EGYPTIAN DEMOCRACY

2011-02-04T07:33:00.007-05:00

I. An interim government to be set up by March 1st with a transitional figure, perhaps Mohammed ElBaradei or Amr Moussa , in the lead and encompassing the disparate factions. They would be charged with three primary function: running the government; developing a directionality for Egyptian democracy; and lastly, to organize an election to be set up for July 1st. The army would be the guarantor of this body and see to it that its primary funtions are carried out equally and uniformly.

II. An election on July 1st with all parties and stakeholders in Egypt participating regardless of ideology, which may even include figures such as Gamal Mubarack, should he choose to run. The election to be monitored by credible international observers.

III. The handing over of power to the newly elected regime on September 1st.

This may indeed be a way forward to bridge our own American dilemma -- not to humiliate an ally of thirty years standing as well as satisfying the American ideal of encouraging democracy. Perhaps too this also may mollify, to some extent, our other allies -- the Kingdoms in the region.

Mubarack has already agreed to the September target, and from our own perspective there is little downside, with at least a chance of a legitimate neutral outcome.

MUBARACK'S IRANIAN SOLUTION

2011-02-02T10:38:00.002-05:00

Hosni Mubarack has taken a cue from Iran by sending out his own thugs reminiscent of the Iranian Besij militia. But Egypt is not Iran and the Egyptian military, the strongest center of power in Egypt, is yet to be heard from.

IRANIAN DISAPPEARING ACT

2011-02-02T08:25:00.003-05:00

The spillover of the Egyptian crisis seems to have focused the mind of Arab governments and emboldened their populations. Is the Iranian opposition getting this message, or does it not apply to Persians? Where are those brave protesters who tried in vain to topple the Ahmadinejad regime? Time for a second push; they may not get another chance anytime soon.

THE EGYPTIAN MUDDLE

2011-02-02T06:48:00.003-05:00

Egypt's confusion and ours:. Many in the street want to cast off the American yoke and yet recast themselves in it's image, That confusion spills all the way to Washington.

Is this a velvet revolution, or one that will devolve into chaos with Islamists picking up the pieces? Is the Muslim Brotherhood a changed organization or a scourge that will only bring a fundamentalist Egypt? Will the Muslim Brotherhood even be the winners? Is the quiescence of the Brotherhood tactical or strategic? Do they really aspire to Islamic governance throughout the Muslim world? All tough questions to answer.

At the moment though, the most powerful force in Egypt is not the Brotherhood, but the army. Many of these guys have spent more time at West Point then they have in Cairo, all to the good. And if the Muslim Brotherhood did have a say in a new government, would our engagement with them present an opportunity? That is, some influence in moderating the views of their compatriots in Gaza, Hamas.

It's all damn confusing, but the United States' rhetoric much match its values, otherwise we have no chance of an upside.

TRADING DICTATORS

2011-01-30T11:39:00.003-05:00

How about sending Baby Doc to Egypt and Hosni Mubarack to Haiti? . . well just a thought.

. . . And so it goes.

EGYPT DIARY: PRESIDENT ELBARADEI?

2011-01-30T10:14:00.011-05:00

It's time to get ahead of the curve in Egypt. The least worst solution is Mohammed ElBaradei, late of the IAEA. But in any case, we can't seem as hesitant when the people in the street are speaking with a clear voice; they want Murbarak out. Let's hope ElBaradei has the political strength to stave off the more radical factions in Cairo. We should at the least encourage the army to have contact with him. Anything short of that, such as holding elections is September, is antithetical to our interests.

Our president and the State department need to review our policy and change it --quick.

MORNING ROUNDTABLE - GOOD DAY

2011-01-29T05:37:00.001-05:00

Quote of the day:

"You wouldn't talk that way about me if my writers were around." -- Jack Benny

JUSTICES BEHAVING BADLY

2011-01-25T05:41:00.009-05:00

You have to be of a certain age to remember those bumper stickers that read 'Impeach Earl Warren.' Maybe it's time to dust off the idea and replace it with the name Antonin Scalia.

The spectacle (though it wasn't open to the press) of Justice Scalia's pimping, yes pimping, for Michelle Bachmann's Tea Party Congress 101 class brings the concept of injudicious and unseemly to new heights.

The Roberts Court has become the most activist and partisan Court since, well, the Warren Court.

Justice Alito mumbled 'not true' at the last SOTU speech and Justice Thomas's forgetfulness as to his wife's source of employment income shakes the very foundation of an impartial Court. We rely on these lifetime appointees to be like Caesar's wife -- not Louis the XVI's.

Time to bring back those bumper stickers, this time: IMPEACH ANTONIN SCALIA.

OLBERMANN R.I.P.

2011-01-24T05:03:00.007-05:00

Face it, Keith Olbermann is narcissistic, over-the-top, mercurial, and a tad vicious; not the uberviciousness of the gaggle of prima donnas at Fox news, but antagonistic nevertheless.

Having said that, you rooted for the guy, hoping the better angels of his nature would win out. It just didn't happen. Eventually he'll be back in some lesser incarnation -- old anchors never die, they just fade away.

NOT AGAIN, OLD PAINT

2011-01-21T05:53:00.005-05:00

Some right wing bloggers are calling for Gabby Giffords to step down. Really? What are they thinking? At best, it's insensitive, over the top and completely dottie. "Let us not assassinate this lass further, senator. . . . Have you no sense of decency sir, at long last?"

Joseph Welsh knew how to do it at the Army-McCarthy hearings in the '50s. Let's hope there's big pushback from the grownups in congress.

MORNING ROUNDTABLE - GOOD DAY

2011-01-18T08:22:00.002-05:00

Why all the play about Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes? Does anyone really care? After all, it's just Hollywood -- which reminds us of this:

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a flea, and still have room left over for two caraway seeds and the heart of an agent." -- Fred Allen.

AH, THE EISENHOWER YEARS

2011-01-17T13:44:00.007-05:00

Today, Monday, January 11, 2011 marks the 50th anniversary of Dwight Eisenhower's farewell address warning against an overbearing military-industrial complex. A pretty fair speech -- and such prescience from a Republican.

"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the militaryindustrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."

. . . and so it goes

MORNING ROUNDTABLE - GOOD DAY

2011-01-17T08:02:00.003-05:00

Who would make the best Republican nominee in 2012?

Join the conversation and comment.

PATENTLY PANDERING PAWLENTY (Click to link to Times article)

2011-01-16T12:15:00.018-05:00

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, a potential GOP presidential candidate in 2012, says he opposes raising the nation's debt ceiling and is urging Republicans in Congress to do the same.

Where was he when he said that? Iowa, maybe? The governor's micturating into a pressure gradient on this one.

Leaves and Conceits:The Best of the Society Pages

2011-01-16T11:49:00.008-05:00

The Cabots speak only to the Lodges and the Lodges only to the Lord, at least that’s what mother told me. I’ve had more than a passing interest in the social calendar ever since. And this season, for me at least, has been the most significant and momentous in memory. Below are a few highlights:

30 PRESENTED IN RYE

Thirty Women from Westchester County were presented last night at the Eggs-Over-Easy Debutante Ball in Rye, New York. In a traditional ceremony, each woman received roses and a small island off the Greek coast.

Proceeds from the annual event will go to The Fund for The Reconstruction of The Eisenhower Administration.

MOREHEAD SNEAD CAPTURES CUP

In one of the most exciting finishes in memory, Moorehead Snead III, skipper of Impervious, crossed the finish line some thirty seconds ahead of the sloop Hegemony to win field yachting’s prized Skeffington cup. In field yachting, a sleek, single-masted craft is pulled along a polo field by day laborers known as ‘sloop caddies.’ The first yacht to traverse the field and cross the goal is declared the winner.

Moorehead Snead III, an overrun specialist with the Lockheed Corporation, and the crew of Impervious clearly ran the tactically superior race and were never headed by the opposing yacht, Hegemony. Hegemony had its problems from the start as it strayed off course and interrupted the second chukker of a polo match being played on an adjacent field. Seven ponies died in the incident.

SARAH OGDEN ROOT TO BE BRIDE

Announcement has been made of the impending marriage of Sarah Ogden Root to Osgood Stegman Jr., a lobbyist for the Poppy Seed Association, currently secondered to the Ministry of Agriculture in Kabul, Afghanistan.

Miss Root, who is currently engaged in experimental salmon farming in her condominium in Aspen, Colorado, graduated from Miss Porter’s School and holds a Master’s degree from Columbia University. She is the great-granddaughter of Zachariah Root, an Assistant Secretary of the Interior in the Coolidge administration and inventor of the aluminum shovel.

NORTH KOREAN OLYMPIANS TRAIN IN GREENWICH

In a whirlwind display of swimming pool diplomacy, the exclusive Greenwich Country Club hosted sixteen members of the North Korean Olympic diving team. Less than forty-eight hours after their Ilyshin II-14 touched down at Kennedy International, the divers were in the water.

A few members of the club, unaware of the invitation, complained about ‘Asians flailing about in the pool.’ Sin Sun Ho, North Korea’s Permanent Representative to the United Nations, assured the group that his government will reciprocate later in the year. U.S. divers will be invited to use the facilities at the Glorious Fissile Enrichment Pool located outside of Yongbyun.

MUFFY ELIZABETH LODGE TO WED HEBREW

Mr. and Mrs. Steven Shriver Lodge of New York and Kennebunkport, Maine have made known the engagement of their former daughter, Muffy Elizabeth, to Henry F. Mazel, son of Abe and Ida Mazel of Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

The future bride, an officer with the private banking house of Brahmin Brothers, Saks and Forrester, graduated Smith College. She was presented at the 2003 Debutante Cotillion and Christmas Ball, and recently was asked to resign her seat on the board of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

Mr. Mazel, the future bridegroom, is a merchant associated with the Pitkin Avenue Herring Works, as was his father before him.

###

HAMMERED

2011-01-15T14:52:00.003-05:00

Tom Delay was sentenced to three years in the hoosegow for money laundering. He claims the jury was the most liberal in Texas, which isn't saying a whole lot. But didn't his lawyers ever hear of premonitory challenges, or don't they have those down there?

SISTER SARAH

2011-01-15T09:59:00.001-05:00

Sister Sarah missed the turn. While most are fed up with the vitriol Palin continues her one note violence metaphors. She's marching in the wrong direction. After Tucson it'll be far more difficult to demonize the president, and the Frank Luntz type inflammatory rhetoric won't be looked upon kindly by much of the body politic. A sea change?Probably not, but a turn in a new direction, maybe. And so it goes . .

OH, HIM

2011-01-15T09:44:00.000-05:00

Reince Priebus of Wisconsin succeeded Michael Steele as the head of the RNC. Who?

Let Us Pray . . .

2005-09-05T18:51:00.000-04:00

. . . there shall never be another Bush in the White House.

American Fatwah - What a country

2005-08-23T10:07:00.000-04:00

Did you see where Pat Robertson issued a fatwah on Hugo Chavez's head? Jesus! Now, if Chavez he does get hit, either by a Born-Again doing the reverend's business or some crazy Venezuelan, we'll get blamed and there'll be Latino rucksackers on the Florida Gold Coast. And, you know, we're at a real disadvantage at this asymmetrical war stuff. You can't send a carrier task force against some suicide-belted guy up from the slums of Caracas. Not to mention, what happens if El Presidente dies of natural causes? I think I'll watch Bananas again and see how Cosell handled it.

Nonsense - Italian Style

2005-03-06T15:40:00.000-05:00

As those who read this column know, I'm a liberal, and damn proud of it. But Giuliana Sgrena -- the former hostage in Iraq, who works for the communist rag Il Manifesto, pushes a particularly virulent form of Euroland paranoia.

She actually claims she may have been a target! in the accidental shooting of Nicola Calipari, the brave Italian security agent who died protecting her. It's pure nonsense -- even to entertain the notion -- we were gunning for her because the Italians paid ransom to terrorists. We may not like ransom payoffs, it is not our policy, but even the Bush administration is incapable (and that includes intellectually) of such Machiavellian contretemps.

That comes from an unreformed Scoop Jackson Democrat, thank you very much. And I'll just drop the Mc Auliffe line in here -- NUTS!

In This Corner, The Radical Lefty Pinkos

2005-02-13T16:04:00.000-05:00

The Motion Picture Association of America should take a hint. All that swirling controversy around Million Dollar Baby and you'd think maybe the MPAA would come up with some new ratings.

I was watching Inherit the Wind the other day, and Spencer Tracy was clearly promoting evolution, the pinko bastard.

And now Clint Eastwood pushing the liberal agenda with his 'boxing' picture. I mean I don't want to have to think when I plunk down ten bucks, now do I? Just give me that popcorn in a bucket and entertain me.

So Dan Glickman and his ilk (he's not in Kansas, anymore) ought to add to G, PG, PG-13, R, and the what is it, again, NC-17?

How about LT-25 (Light Thinking - adolescence are warned some material contains a soupçon of introspection)

And DT-65+ (Deep Thought - adults are strongly cautioned this film requires serious cerebral attention). Feel free to add your own.

Iraqi Voters: Dizzy from the Count?

2005-02-13T11:23:00.000-05:00

Those eight million Iraqi voters sure in hell were motivated. Dashing through the Gelignite and into the polling stations, they were confronted by a mind-numbing list of party slates. And we didn't even get them all:

Islamic Da'wah Party
Constitutional Monarchy Movement
Iraqi Islamic Liberation Party
Iraqi Justice and Development Party
Iraqi National Accord
Council of Baghdad Notables [did they mean notaries?]
National Reconciliation Movement.
Islamic Democratic Current Party.
Islamic Movement of Kurdistan
Kurdistan Islamic Group
[Good ole'] Iraqi Communist Party.
Kurdistan Islamic Union
Kurdistan Socialist Democratic Party
Kurdistan Toilers' Party [the sorrow and woe vote]
Ahl Al-Sunna wa al-Jama'a
Assyrian Democratic Movement
Assyrian National Congress
Assyrian Patriotic Party
Assyrian Socialist Party
Bayt al-Nahrayn Democratic Party
l-Da'wah Al-Islamiyah Party.
Al-Fudala Society.
Constitutional Monarchy Movement
National Democratic Party
Democratic Monarchy Alliance
Free Iraq Council
Free Iraqi Society Party
Al-Fudella Comedians Homeland Alliance [just kidding - checking to see if you read this far]
Democratic Monarchy Alliance [the bring back the Faisals guys]
Muslim Ulama Council
Free Democratic Homeland Party
Free Officers and Civilians Movement
Grouping of Free Iraqis
Higher Council for National Salvation
Independent Iraqi Democrats/Democratic Centrist Tendency [caused the ballot to present as a spreadsheet]
Iraqi Democratic Center Party
Iraqi Homeland Party
Iraqi Islamic Forces Union
Iraqi Islamic Party
Iraqi Justice and Development Party
Iraqi National Alliance (INA)
Iraqi National Congress (INC) [a.k.a. Ahmad Chalabi, Inc.]
Iraqi National Movement
Iraqi Officers Movement
Iraqi National Rally (INR)
Iraqi Turkoman Birth Party
Turkoman National Association
Al-Sadr II Movement. [Muqtada's band of merry men]
Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq
Turkomaneli Party

. . . Stop! There are even more - with descriptions, yet - courtesy of Kathleen Ridolfo

#30# (whew,finally)

On Second Blush: Sistani Plays it Chill

2005-02-06T12:20:00.000-05:00

sistani
From the beginning, the Grand Ayatollah Sistani played the game well, too well. He jawboned and outmaneuvered the 'coalition' into holding the election now. While Moqtada Sadr screamed, Sistani whispered. He looked like the the solid non-threatening cleric we could deal with. The nonthreatening 'Negro' -- Joe Lewis to Sadr's Jack Johnson. Will we take anything as long as there's no civil war? The Shia are making noises; there won't be too much Islam in the yet-to-be written constitution they say -- but in some parts of the south, local judges are already imposing Shariah.

At first blush the Iraqi elections looked like a victory for neo-con deep think -- was it? The outcome may be too early to call -- but it looks from here like creeping theocracy is the winnah!

Islamic Constitution in Iraq

Leaves and Conceits: El Restaurante Fidel

2005-02-06T11:35:00.000-05:00

EL RESTAURANTE FIDEL

After the Cubans issued that ridiculous 50 Peso stamp in my likeness, I was deluged by e-mails asking about my association with Fidel. The rumor-mongering has reached such a fever pitch, both here in New York and in certain corners of Foggy Bottom, I feel compelled to set the record straight.

It was in the early '50's that I first met Fidel, and looking back on it now, I must admit, honestly, that I did play a role -- quite innocuously really -- in the revolutionary events that swept Cuba just a few, short years later. In those days I was working for the old New York Herald Tribune as the weekend restaurant critic. Fidel had come to my attention, not as politician or chef, but as budding intellectual who had established himself as an enfant terrible among New York’s literati.

One night at Norman Mailer's I was introduced to this intense young man. We spent the better part of the evening getting to know one another and debating our favorite subjects: food, baseball, and especially, politics. I recall at one point Fidel asked if I knew the difference between capitalism and communism. The old joke came to mind: “Under capitalism,” I told him, “Man oppresses Man; and under Communism, it's the other way around.” Fidel stared at me for a moment, and then laughed and laughed before announcing he could easily shoot me in “uno de sus testículos” with the zip gun he carried. After that, we became fast friends.

His appreciation of cuisine—French, German, Spanish of course, even Japanese—was phenomenal, and it came as no surprise that he wished to pursue a career as a chef. My inclination was to discourage him and I cautioned it would take years to become a master, even with his enthusiasm and expertise. Besides, at that time I felt the trend in foods was moving toward triple-decker finger sandwiches, and tuna on rye in a can. [later of course, I was proven correct].

To my surprise, a few months later Fidel telephoned and asked if I might dine at his new restaurant in the theatre district. Never for an instant did I dream the review which came out of that evening's repast, and is reprinted here, would have the most profound geopolitical consequences:

Full Course Dither

Two blocks west of Broadway and just down the street from Wizzo's Puppet Theatre, El Restaurante Fidel is humming softly. Its magenta neon sign and mock Carrara marble facade achieve a peculiar synthesis that beckons diners. And at the door, beaming, with cigar in hand and crouton crumbs sprinkled through a wiry beard, stands a relaxed and gregarious Chef Fidel. It is an attitude though he has failed to impart to his staff.

With its stark and minimalist style, the decor of El Restaurante Fidel is the antithesis of its rich and complex cuisine. Scattered among pieces of patio furniture and the occasional Che's lounge are glass-topped tables awash in the glare of massive flood lights (which appear to have been purloined from the set of ‘Stalag 17’). Ignoring this minor inconvenience, and the regular party of bandoleer-clad men in green fatigues who increase the decibel level a notch higher than a mahjong party at the Hadassah, the setting provides a unique background for a palatable dinner.

Chef Fidel, who worked briefly with Marcel at Restaurant Leslie before striking out on his own, often comes to the table to engage patrons in lively conversation. With his billowy white chef's hat worn slightly askew and a finger waving in the air for emphasis, Fidel will good-naturedly respond to diners' questions for hours on end, generally from a prepared text. Just as we think this delightfully large gnome of a man will never stop his incessant banter, and we are ready to faint straight away, out from the kitchen pour cadres of waiters with delicious cream puffs filled with buttery liver mousse. Only the most self-disciplined among us could avoid asking for seconds of this appetizer, or for that matter the chewy policastro rolls accompanying them.

Of course, one may quarrel with the piquant taste of the Chef's gazpacho, but for those who value the insouciance of a soup flavored to evoke an admixture of seven-alarm chili, it was effectively seasoned. Most of the entrees were as reliable as the appetizers. With few exceptions the restaurant uses the finest ingredients, and when a dish does not quite measure up, it is because Chef Fidel is preoccupied with his other duties: teaching the intricacies of samba to Don Newcombe of the Brooklyn Dodgers, or committing to memory the complete works of Mickey Spillane.

One night for instance, while the strains of Cugat wafted rhythmically from the kitchen, Bertrand Russell stopped by and ordered lobster. When the entree should have been served, Raoul, the headwaiter, appeared and announced somberly that Chef Fidel had burned all the crustaceans. Russell was disconsolate, but eventually settled on the schnitzel. Raoul, puffing on a giant Havana, shook his head disapprovingly and whispered, “Try the halibut.” After some thought, Lord Russell shouted, “Yes, but I am already wearing a bib!” Raoul acceded to this elegant bit of logic and soon found another lobster—although it was short and squat and appeared to have wings.

Desserts, with the exception of a flaccid Banana meringue cake, were luscious and extravagant, particularly the crème brulee prepared by Chef Fidel himself. Not until we asked for Kaiserschmarren and Salzburger nockerl were we told they had to be ordered in advance, and then only if we brought Paul Muni's hat.

In the end, sadly, a brilliant chef is defeated by the shortcomings of a surly dining room staff. The service is unprofessional and rude, even when the restaurant is not full. One waiter insisted that it was our responsibility to tell him what was wrong with the food we left on our plate, “down to the very last fig.” And had Chef not intervened, we were prepared to leave the premises after two waiters appeared in zookeepers' uniforms and threw us mackerel from a bucket. While admiration abounds for our charming host, an evening at Restaurante Fidel is and ‘iffy’ affair at best.

—New York Herald Tribune (1954)

Naturally, Fidel understood there was nothing personal in my review. Actually, he was quite gracious about it and laughed and laughed before he kicked me ‘en mis testículos.’ Almost immediately he set about to improve the restaurant. Fidel announced he would go to the Sierra Maestra mountains of Cuba—there he could find first-rate macaroons with which to prepare a russe that, in his words, "would change the way we view dessert." Fidel wrote me many times from those mountains. In the months that followed he was to grow increasingly morose, gradually abandoning his idea of ‘El Russe Grande.’

In the autumn of 1955 I received a last letter. Fidel had come full circle. He now rejected the notion of haute cuisine entirely, dismissing it as a bourgeois fantasy. In a final, bitter irony, he wrote: "How can I think of sumptuous desserts when the peasants are forced to eat ginger snaps from a tin? Yes my friend, it is only now that I come to recognize the dialectic nature of your review. I shall always be grateful to you for pointing the way."

The months have now turned to years. That little bistro two blocks west of Broadway has become Flo's Video Barn and Body Rub. And the truth of it is, in all that time I never heard from Fidel again.

Iraq: Abu Fizzles While Baghdad Yearns

2005-01-30T16:14:00.000-05:00

Very bright. Maybe Abu (call me Musab) al-Zarqawi and Osama aren't that bright. It's a tad more obvious with the one-eyed Afghan dribbler Mullah Omar - the guy we seldom mention, the same guy who destroyed those Buddhist carved cliff statues, and anyone who had the temerity to look at Omar cock-eye. Him I can understand. Cognitive deficits. But Abu and Osama? They made George W. look good today. It may not last long, but what were they thinking? Blowing up Iraqis as they went to the polls, threatening to behead their children? Very appealing as a leaflet icebreaker. The guy's a foreigner, for Christ's sake. Zarqawi succeeded in focusing the wrath of the average Iraqi (including more than a few Sunnis) away from the U.S. 'occupiers' and onto his own band of Bush-league bullies.

The smart move would have been to go to the mattresses against the infidels in company C, not the infidel Baghdadis. Someone send him a DVD of the Godfather.

The Iraqis will now want some high flyer results, or the balloon deflates big time. Let's give it to them; they deserve it.

At Sea in the Persian Gulf

2005-01-23T14:08:00.000-05:00

There was a hyper paranoid film released at the tail end of the Cold War called “Red Dawn." In it, a band of midwestern teens fights to save America from invading Soviet forces. Not all those teenagers were young Republicans -- some, I suspect, were left-wingers with a few full-blown pinkos thrown in, to boot. Nationalism trumps ideology every time.

So what makes vice president Cheney think if we muscled our way into Iran, bands of Persian teens would be breaking out the garlands and flowers? Unless it's simplistic public psych-opp bluster, the administration is actually contemplating taking apart the Iranian nuclear program (such as it is). Another wonderful example of muddled non policy. Why did we go into Iraq, again? Wolfowitz et. al. must be gathering on the White House lawn nightly and howling at the moon.

We'll either change the face of the Mideast (as though they haven’t been trying for the last thousand years) or there'll be a second Bush's Folly. Left to their own devices, those Iranian teenagers may very well use those flowers to supplant the aging mullahs who have run Iran into the ground. So just let them do it.

The Brits were far better hegemons; we seem to be making a mess of it. To be honest, I had rather have a bit of Kissinger realpolitik than neo-con naivety.

Leaves and Conceits: George Burns at Hillcrest

2005-01-23T12:31:00.002-05:00

BREAKFAST WITH NATTIE
I didn’t know him really, but I went to the funeral anyway. After all, it was the end of a show business era. The last of the great vaudevillians, Maxie Marko, was gone. There were others of course – Jolson, Burns and Benny, Fanny Brice, Jessel, Cantor to name a few. I did know some of them -- especially Nattie -- but that was later on. In the old days, these vaudevillians were real Broadway hounds, hitting all the hot spots from El Morocco, with its zebra pattern upholstered booths, to breakfast at a bustling Lindy’s, where tourists gobbled up the legendary cheesecake. Vaudevillians, for the most part, really liked to eat. And, yes, they liked to drink, too — but most of all they loved to entertain.

Not that life was always so glamorous in show business. Sometimes it could be downright dangerous. Why, the buck and wing man, Malachy Moore, was once shot in the leg by an irate customer outside the Belasco Theater because he wouldn’t do an encore. Of course, you couldn’t do an encore unless you were next to closing. It was right there in the contract. Moore bought a polished wooden dummy from Eddie Dale and became a ventriloquist so he could sit on a stool during performances. Dale got the dummy back pretty quick because the act died at the Morosco. But that was Broadway.

Years later, when vaudeville itself was dying, talent started moving to California where there was work in pictures and eventually television. That's where I first met George Burns -- his friends called him Nattie. It was 1956, and I was a kid doing rewrites at Fox. Now, Fox Studios was on Pico Boulevard just across the street from the famous Hill Crest Country Club.

Back in the 40's, most country clubs refused to admit members of the ‘Hebraic persuasion,’ so Jewish performers founded Hillcrest. Not many of them actually played golf, so I guess it must have been the principle of the thing. Ironically, as it turned out, The Hillcrest Country Club was exclusively Jewish -- Groucho Marx, Jack Benny, George Burns, Danny Kaye, and the Hollywood moguls Sam Goldwyn and Louis B. Mayer were members. Those two studio powerhouses didn’t always get along. One time Mayer punched Sam Goldwyn in the nose while they were taking a ‘spritz’ in the in the steam room. MGM was never the same.

When the club finally decided to open membership to non-Jews, they didn’t exactly push the envelope. Their first choice was Danny Thomas, a Lebanese Catholic, who looked -- well, very Jewish. I mean they weren’t asking Randoph Scott or Van Johnson or anything.

Anyway, I used to sneak into Hillcrest every morning for breakfast. I loved the heady atmosphere of the Club’s dining room, with its high-backed chairs and white linen tablecloths -- not to mention the terrific food and select company. One Thursday morning, I sat at a small table, settled in and ordered my usual. I still savor that breakfast because it turned out to be the best one of my life.

I had a cup of coffee and was eating smoked sturgeon and rye toast. Suddenly a hand reached in and grabbed a piece of sturgeon.

“Hey!” I shouted, turning around. It was George Burns.

“I wanted some of yours,” he said. “You know, the non-members’ food – it always tastes better."

“You're a real comedian.”

“No, I'm a straight man, that's why I wanted yours.”

“Mr. Burns, whose breakfast is this?”

“If you were eating it, it would be yours . . . Kid, I stopped by to tell you, you’ve got a good agent.”

“And you know this because . . . ?”

“Well, for one, apparently he’s booked you into the Hillcrest for breakfast.”

“That’s funny,” I said, meaning it.

“And second, Swifty Lazar is my agent, too, so he’s a very good agent. Oh, and third, he sent me over some of your material.”

“How was the third?” I asked, trying to appear nonchalant.

“I’m here, aren’t I? I could use another joke writer. That way when Groucho insults me I can tell him, ‘You wouldn’t talk that way about me if my new writer was around.’”

“Are you hiring me Mr. Burns?”

“Hire is a strong word, kid, but think about it. . . . You know, if you don’t mind maybe I could have another small piece of the sturgeon there?”

Well, I said it was the best breakfast of my life, not the biggest. I did think about it, how thoughtfully is open to question since I gave him my answer just as he was polishing off the last of the sturgeon.

“Mr. Burns you’ve got yourself a new writer,” I said . . . after that, I always called him Nattie.

American Lysenkoism

2005-01-17T16:27:00.000-05:00

Creationism and one of its progeny, the hoch-sounding 'intelligent design,' seem to be a big hit these days -- in Pennsylvania yet. Parents Sue Schools over 'Intelligent Design'

That's Ed Rendell's state isn't it? It's a blue state. Are we all nuts? I mean Darwin had it right, after all. Those monkeys have 98% percent of our DNA. And we and the chimps should be damn proud of it. On the plus side, this raging Republican fundamentalism could serve up a swell ticket for the Dems in 2008. How about Gary Bauer and Alan Keyes? Well, who said I couldn't dream? Incidentally, for all those on the religious right reading this -- both of them - it's not exactly a terrific euphemism. I'm pretty sure Intelligent Design were the folks who redid my kitchen last year.

Titan tossed at the Times

2005-01-17T13:11:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how underreported the Huygens landing on Titan has been. The Sunday Times Link had it buried on page 6: "Scientists Floored by Photos From Titan." Yeah, okay, so where were the pics? I suppose it could have something to do with ESA, the European Space Agency, being in the lead on this one. Not the French and Germans again?

The Huygens probe landing is a big deal. It ranks right up there with the Armstrong-Aldrin walkabout. Titan appears to be a living, breathing (if a tad hostile) place, with shorelines and lakes and water ice. At 300 below, just zip up the parker and suck up the methane. Still, what an amazing journey. It ought to play bigger than a nomimation for Tony Shaloub at the Golden Globes.